Expecting alot in 2012

As 2011 came to an end, my family and I were in the midst of an amazing time in church. Realizing that what you do first dictates what is to come. This may not be an exact science but generally speaking, I wanted to be in position of good standing going into a New Year. No resolutions, no, "I'm going to lose 20 pounds speeches", no i'm going to do this or that. I just told God that I was tired. Tired of running from exactly what He told  me to do, tired of chaos and drama where my kids were concerned.....I still have some of that but I have made the choice to react differently to it. I told God that I wanted to honestly open my heart to his ordered steps.

Well, anyone who knows me knows that I am very much OCD. Me OCD with 5 non OCD children. I struggled for many years with things being undone or not completed the way "I" would do it. Don't get me wrong I am still OCD but I had really asked God to give me a word on how to not freak out so bad. So during my conversation in church, He did and He said "BE still and know that I am God........WOW, God really, I know that but the dishes were not done right and the sink did not get dried out....again He said Be still and know that I am GOD......I pondered on that thought....mind you this conversation was going on during the New Years eve service that Kirk Franklin was presenting in.......God Ok really look you don't understand, I cannot have things not in order........I guess God said ok look I have to really "go hard" on her with the scriptures and He said to me......Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell ME what you need, and thank ME for all I have done, Phillipians 4:6....changed for my one on one with HIM

What shame I felt. I knew what the scripture said but yet and still prior to this conversation I continued for many years having anxiety attacks about the smallest things.....and I mean small. But in that moment God smacked me upside my head and in an instant I heard it so clear. I was ok being the way I was but It was not ok to be so consumed with it and that He was not glorified in my neat freak mentality or flipping out because the sink was not dry. He is God and He made  me who I am and each of my children who they are. Will they ever do it just like me? NO! I was given great clarity sitting in that pew on New Years eve. I can be delivered from the anxiety that I have, I can live an abundant life even if the sink is a little wet. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.........With that said God took me to the place where my anxiety was allowed to consume me.......

I have always been very scheduled. However since the move it had been hard to re-organize my life. Schools worked differently, game schedules and travel was so much different from what I knew, settling in to a new town was not the easiest thing. I was anxiety ridden for months. I know some people are like well that is not of God.....I know that....but I felt so helpless. It was a season of horrfic trial for me. I was having 2-3 anxiety attacks a day. It was a horrible feeling. I kept crying out to God to please help me, Please GOD remove this from me. I kept wondering why he wouldn't. For months this has gone on and on......so I stopped praying for GOD to remove it....I started praying for GOD to help me understand me and to find HIS PEACE! I prayed this prayer for 3 months, 12 weeks until the day before New Year's eve. Every Night for 12 weeks I would wake up at 3:33 am. I could not go back to sleep. I finally picked up my bible.........Jerimiah 33:3  ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ .......
WOW God, you hear me.......I had changed my prayer and began to ask for undertanding for something I did not know. He began to open my heart to many things during this period of great anxiety for me. I began to understand that prior to this move, I was not listening to HIM. I was worried about anything and every thing because I was so planned. Did I ever include GOD is the moving process? I had to be so so planned out. I began to understand that the anxiety I was feeling was allowed to be in my life, so that God to allow me to finally come to him and include him in how all of this was supposed to go.

It didn't matter how many bible studies I taught or  how many scriptures I knew. I was flat out not listening to GOD! So on New Years eve, it was over. The anxiety was gone. I told God if it wasn't His way, I was not going to move left or right.

I am feeling more peace and joy than I have felt in a long time. I am meal planning again and scheduling but with a new perspective. God's perspective. I am allowing what and who is bringing value to my life be in my life. My children bring value, I love to watch them hunger for the victory in their given sport. I wipe their tears in a time of defeat. I bake for track meets and spend countless hours in the snack bar. To my life that is value. Nothing I can ever buy will bring value, just more anxiety and more problems. I will not allow my need for order to counteract my need for living a life abundantly. The word says seek first the kingdom of heaven and these things will be added, things? Joy, peace, a roof, a job, food, everything I need and want will be added as long as I seek him first and in 2011, I read my bible and studied but my focus was on a major life change that God had ordained but I had removed Him from the equation. Well I thank Him for allowing me to go through it because now I see and understand that he is the one true and living God and only through him and giving him my first of everything will make my latter part of 2012 as joyful as the beginning.

Interesting?

Well, I heard a statement made yesterday, " Agreement, does not mean something is right". I began thinking about that statement. For me it spoke mountains. I live my life to pour out for others. No matter how tired or drained, its what I do. I may not agree with people or a decision, but yet and still I will do what is right when required.

Please understand, by no means am I claiming to be a saint. I have a million flaws and maybe more than most. I have a ton of dry bones in my life that I am not proud of. However at the end of the day, I would never change any of that because it gave me greater understanding. An understanding that I may not have had.

SO agreement? What does that mean? I see alot of people who will manipulate people into agreeing that their way is the best way. I have seen people make a decision based on just wanting to agree and not argue. Why? Right and wrong are just that right and wrong!

I have become somewhat of a safe harbor person. Their are very few homes I will go to and feel comfortable. I do not surround myself with alot of people becasue I have been told that my face tells the story.

I will never believe that I have to agree with someone to do the right thing. My job is to love unconditionally. Does that mean I will like everyone or their ideologies? NO, because trust me, their are a few folks that should be happy I try to do the right thing.......lol

I know one thing for sure, one thing I can agree on is that Jesus is the one solid truth in my life. He does not always agree with me but He does allow me to make choices and in turn suffer the consequences. He does not employ me to be perfect, He employs me to strive for the mark and keep panting after Him.

SO are you living your life to be in agreement or are you living your life to the fullness God has for you by doing what is right, not perfect, but right?

So many times we don't think something through or we attempt to justify a choice or decision. Why? What God has for you is for you and no one else. Trying to live the life of another is guaranteed to fail. Try being who God intended you to be.

I am completely ok with the fact that I am quirky, weird, OCD, ADHD and truly am a morning person, I love to cook, clean and I love kiddos as much they make a little crazy, I love them, I love crafts and reading. Quality is much more to me than quantity. I am not very social in the entertaining sense of the word, I would rather have a bustling, noisy house of teenagers than be sitting in a friends house.

God has given me a few good friends but for the most part my kiddos are my world and I would rather have a lifetime of them, then a few moments of "ME" time.

Do you agree? Guess what its ok because your agreement does not make or break what my heart knows to be right!

Big Texas! Big Adventures = Big Soul Seraching

Wow! Its been an adventure. We made it to Cedar Hill in June. What seemed to be a move without adverse affects, turned into a ROLLER COASTER!

I was blessed beyond measure to have the entire summer off with my kids. Football was in full swing. Trying to find my way around was great fun. Our town is not that big but getting everywhere else is.

My house is full of teens. Our dog died after 5 years from some type of poisoning.

We are turning into the same house we were in San Diego. Many teens and shannigans. I won't change it at all.

Reflections to come.

Moving Day is almost here.

Well after many months of praying, deciding and now waiting, the time has come. We are finally moving. Texas here we come. The movers have taken all our stuff, everyone is learning to love an air mattress, the dog has an attitude and well dinner organization is at a hault. I cannot wait to actually have our lives back. It is an amazing journey we are embarking on and definitely life altering.

Some things I know to be true becasue God has given me clarity:

1. No matter what anyone says this move is the right thing for MY family.
2. I am going to learn to make PITA Bread.
3. My cleaning company will flourish.
4. I will cheer on my boys of fall.
5. I will hinor God in every decision I make.
6. My house will be our sanctuary.

I do not know what else is going to happen but hey, God is still in control, right? My kids are being awesome about it and I could not ask for better. Change is scary but I am destined to find the fun in it all.

Keanu doing the Haka at the Multicultural Fair

Cheer Competition 2011

What an adventure!

I think getting your life back on track has to be one of the hardest things to do. My life is a continuous movement of the heart God gave me. I was listening to a sermon today and the question was posed, "When you leave this earth, what few words would describe your life, that would glorify God?" I found it very interesting and pondered the thought. After much thought I was like, I got it! Her life was a drink offering! In the bible it talked about an offering of wine and water representing the pouring out of ones life for another. That was it, that was me. God gave me the spirit to pour out to others. I don't have alot and I am a tad quirky, but I never say no and willgive my all to anyone who needs it.

So I then began to look back on the days where I felt so tired and drained, wondering who would fill me back up. God's word fills me when I have nothing left. I have learned over the past few months that I must continue to do God's will for my life even though I may feel tired and broken.

I must rest in his strength and know that he is God. I finally understnad that scripture. I know how to rest in him. I strive for the Proverbs 31 woman mentality. I know I can not have idle hands and I am to bring honor to my family.  People make fun because I am a neat freak and wants things a certain way, but God does not say living in chaos is ok. I can't function or pour out if I am in chaos, either mentally or spiritually.

Seeking after God's will has tested me. I am still on the journey towards His will and will stay on the road until the end.

Keanu Johnson DE Class of 2012

Madison Warhawks make it to the State Bowl Championship in Carson California!

Wow, what a blessing to have 3 of my children be honored and able to go together to the biggest game of their high school lives. After an amazing season and hard work. They did they. Rick Jackson and his Warhawks won a CIF Division IV Championship and a bid to state in one season. God's eye are definitely on the Warhawks. You all are amazing.