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Sunday, May 20, 2012

Name Change

Well many of you that know my family, know that this blog was originally created to keep our loved ones that lived out of state in the loop of our crazy life. My last post was more of a "exhale" for me. This time we have a name change for our blog, 7 Quilted Hearts. I will explain:

As of late, although my anxiety has gone, I have been overwhelmed in the day to day tasks that used to come so easy to me. Menu planning, keeping schedules in line have all taken a back burner to utter chaos. I began praying and asking God, really? I know, I know, why ask why? It seems as though daily that each of my children were dertermining their own rules, boundaries and plans. I have begun to feel defeated in my spirit. For 16 years I have been the household planner, scheduler, maid, cook. launderer, bank, atm, taxi driver. I am sure many moms out there can relate. In the midst of that all, attempting to nurture a marriage and also grow as an individual proved to be a mountain placed in the road of my life.

We have now been back in Texas almost a year and no it has not been easy. Acclimating to the way things work outside of our protected military lifestyle has proven to be rahter difficult. I work full time and yes my job is demanding. I come home and the work does not end there. We have softball, end of the year concerts, cheer and topping it off preparing for graduation in a couple of weeks.

As I was leaving and exhaustive day at work, I called my husband and just had a complete melt down. I cried all the way home. Telling him how defeated I felt. The children are making me bonkers and work is stressing me out, I told him as the tears rolled down my face. See my week began like this: Monday home sick from work with an ear infection on top of a sinus infection that was birthing an upper respiratory infection. Mind you this was not the bad part. I am diabetic, getting sick is not in the plan book for keeping blood sugar down. I also had been working overtime on a project for my manager, one weekend can really change the balance in your life and this is where I went wrong. I did not pray about the project, I just said yes. Well my children have had me home on weekends for so many years now after leaving clinical nursing, that something changed in 4 hours on one saturday that I worked overtime.

I know my God is able to all I could ever ask and give me strength in my weakness but I also know that some things I bring on myself and I caused this chaos to fester. I longed for the week to end, praying God please allow me to have some peace this weekend. Well I guess it was not His calendar for me because we had prom, 6 softball games and a couple of other unexpected catastrophies. I found myself asking why, really God why me? I have not rested in 3 weeks. Not like I am just napping any other time but just truly being able to do the things I needed to do to give me peace.

I wole up this morning and as I headed out the door to drop Bailey off at a game I knew I had to be in church. See. softball sometimes keeps us going on both Saturday and Sunday. As greatful as I am that my church has an I phone app, I knew I need to be there front and center. I race home to rally the rest of the troop to make it to the 9am service. We jumped in the car, every one in front of us was standing in my way of making it to the Lord today. Cars too slow, cars too fast, lights, you name it it was there.

We hustle in and the only seats were up. I place my bible on the seat and stand there as the praisee team sand there worship song. I held back the tears, I just couldnt cry another day. Being almost 40 and having puffy eyes is not cool. Our pastor was not there today but did leave us in capable hands. The sermon was from the story of Abraham when he took Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him. The message was about being tested. I listened ferverntly to each word spoken and it was me, church was for me today. My challenges are not any worse than those in the bible. I have to begin to breath. I have been holding my breath and just functioning and now here I am suffocating. I have to stop, pause and just breath.

I renamed this blog because our family dynamics are changing so rapidly and trying to keep it all together takes work. Some of us need to be repostioned and trimmed a bit, others needs to moved around the pattern in order to understand each other. I value everyday in my life as though it was my last but it doesnt make the chaos any less frustrating. I am an OCD, Neat Freak, Jesus lover who all be it likes to control her surroundings, does understand that sometimes my God is going to yank my chain to align me back to 2nd place.

James 5:11 -

Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.